Vocabulaire

Well, I've come to terms with my main issue with the French language. It's vocabulary. I can usually follow along when it comes to usage & implementation of phrases & conjugation but my main difficulties lie within the words. Honestly, I can conjugate verbs all day long, the problem is knowing what the F they mean. And then there is the listening factor. I'm much better at reading and speaking then I am at listening (which I know has never been a strong suit). But French-speakers talk so fast! I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever pick it up, just knowing that I can't understand the speed at which they talk. Even if I get the jist of what someone says to me, its usually because of hand motions, pointing and a level of patience I could not be more grateful for. Surprisingly, some people think I do speak French, based on my looks and it is then that I have to with a sad expression on my face, say "desolée, je ne parle pas Français" and hope that they don't take offense.

I try, certainly, but I can't help but remain in the same circles, doing the same 4-5 activities. Today, after class my intention was to ask one of my classmates to join me for a café and hope to have a little conversation but everyone leaves so quickly that I was left without the opportunity. :( The current course ends in a week and beginning Thursday the 25th I'll begin the next chapter of class and I am hoping that I may have the chance to meet either some new people or actually get to know some of the people in my class. Not everyone continues though, which makes it all the more difficult. The one girl I had made any sort of conversation outside class with is moving back to Australia in 3 weeks so, so much for her (and she's 16, which I hold no grudges about, but she can't exactly go out & do things on the weekend that I would enjoy doing). I think about where I might go... but still haven't had much luck discovering anything. It's hard enough trying to find the time to be comfortable with myself, let alone myself with others.

I hear from family & friends in the states and most of the time it brings tears to my eyes. I don't cry, but I get sad, knowing that life moves on, which is good, but I don't seem to be moving on. I have no idea what to expect when I get back... what will I do? where will I live? There are lots of questions and very little information from which to gather answers... or even attempts at answers. What is it that I am doing here, other than taking a long break from issues and people at home. I wonder if I will meet other people, if I will go out, enjoy myself not just alone. How many movies can one see by themselves? How many nights can one sit in their room and pretend to understand what the TV is saying? I know it's been only 2.5 weeks. I know I shouldn't have answers or decisions yet, but I would like to know what the hell it is I am doing. I work, go to class, come home. Same thing every day (and time is flying by without the opportunity to grow from it).

Maybe I will be somewhat bilingual when I return, but if that's the case, what am I going to do with it? Even with a year abroad I doubt I'll be fluent enough to work as a translator. And will I work with kids for the rest of my life or is there something in store for me? It's amazing, the same questions exist in Switzerland that exist in the States. And I'm sure in Italy, Russia, Germany, South Africa, everywhere... people wonder what their lives are about... what it all means... I can barely figure out what I'm doing at the moment let alone what I will do. And what that says about me.

Yesterday, I showed a few pictures I had taken many months ago to Solveig. She seemed somewhat impressed. Said I "have an eye" which is one of the greatest complements I have received in a while. But what will I do with that? Becoming a photographer is easier said than done. And honestly, I don't have enough faith in myself to believe that I could succeed at such an endever. Someday, maybe my self-esteem will match that of the talent people say I have (but maybe they're just being nice)... who's to know?

Until then, all I can say is that I am grateful that there are people who do care about me, and hope I succeed, and I hope I do too. :)

Thank you for thinking of me and hopefully soon I'll report more happiness. :D