Life is UN...

Life is UN...

• UNplanned
• UNexpected
• UNknown
• UNthinkable
• UNforgettable
• UNconditional
• UNwilling
• UNcovered
• UNprepared
• UNchosen
• UNwanted
• UNacceptable
• UNdecipherable
• UNnerving
• UNavoidable
• UNanalyzable
• UNcontrollable
• UNbalanced
• UNbearable
• UNsentimental
• UNceasing
• UNclad
• UNclear
• UNreasonable
• UNcomfortable
• UNcovered
• UNdecidedly
• UNaccountable
• UNadvisable
• UNforgiving
• UNderestimating
• UNderstandable
• UNscientific
• UNdervalued
• UNraveling
• UNsaturated
• UNreal
• UNceremonious
• UNcivil
• UNrecognized
• UNregarded
• UNsuitable
• UNrehearsed
• UNpitying
• UNrighteous
• UNnecessary
• UNconventional
• UNnoticeable
• UNbound
• UNfair
• UNmentionable
• UNdone
• UNschooled
• UNmistakable
• UNtested
• UNpolished
• UNteachable
• UNfortunate
• UNintended
• UNtraceable
• UNdiplomatic
• UNtypical
• UNhinged
• UNgainly
• UNnatural
• UNgraciously
• UNstoppable
• UNprovable
• UNgrammatical
• UNdirected
• UNgrateful
• UNrefined
• UNbelievable
• UNguided
• UNjust
• UNparalleled
• UNspeakable
• UNpardonable
• UNpoetic
• UNsophisticated
• UNpredictable
• UNcompromising
• UNprofessional
• UNobtainable
• UNholy
• UNordered
• UNsettling
• UNorthodox
• UNrevised
• UNoriginal
• UNsatisfiable
• UNsigned
• UNskilled
• UNhurried
• UNorganized
• UNsure

Yes, life is UN but life is also un-UN. I received some news on Friday evening. Are you sitting down? Because you might want to... I must have jinxed myself with that last blog on "temporary time" because now my 9-months has been cut into pieces and I have a little more than 2 months to finish this stage in my life. I suppose it is a sign, perhaps it is time I move on with my life, move on to new and exciting things (although, to be perfectly honest I have no idea what that will be...) I am sure my statement is confusing a great deal of you, so let me explain:

When I moved to Switzerland in February 2010 I received a work permit/visa for one year. The government has always allowed these visas to be renewed for up to 24 months total (so the 1 year visa + a year extension). In about June of 2010 my host family asked me if I would consider staying on until the following summer, essentially adding 4-6 months to my original contract and extending my visa by the same length. After a little thought and consideration, I decided to accept the offer and we decided I would stay with the family until the end of the school year, through the end of June 2011 (only 5 months longer than originally planned). In the beginning of September, Solveig, my boss, began the process to extend the visa. Knowing that I was permitted by law, we saw the process as mostly a formality.

Unfortunately, we were not so lucky... the Swiss government retains the right to deny a visa extension if deemed necessary, however this is something that for the last 10 or so years they have not done. Until this year. The Swiss government, and particularly the Canton of Genève has decided to invoke its' right of refusal for the entirety of 2011. This includes my visa, along with all work visas for non-Europeans. (I'll explain that further in a moment). Solveig has reported that JTI (Japan Tobacco Int'l, the company she works for) has had all of their contracts/visas put on hold, along with SGS (my host dad's company). Companies in the canton of Geneva, and likely most if not all in the remaining 25 cantons in Switzerland. We tried to fight it. Or, more appropriately, my lawyer host-mom tried fighting, spending valuable time battling, pleading our case, discussing and doing everything in her power to persuade the Swiss government to change their minds, all to no avail. The government will not make any exceptions, even for a young American who just wants to finish her DELF (Diplôme de langue Français), isn't looking for a whole year - only 5 months extra, who isn't replacing the position of a Swiss person, she's just an au pair, not exactly a high-demand position... but no. No means no apparently. And we have no recourse. When my visa expires on January 31st, I must vacate the country. Now, if that wasn't bad enough, I am booked to go home on December 23rd for 2 weeks at Christmas. Daniel (my boss) and Solveig have decided it makes no sense for me to come back the 9th of January only to have to return 2 weeks later. The jet-lag along might kill me. So when I leave on the 23rd of December, I will be leaving. For good. Possibly Forever.

Life is UN: unexpected, unplanned, unknown, unwilling, unprepared, uncontrollable, unjust, unfair, unchangeable.

As I attempt to adjust to this news, attempt to understand why this unexpected change has become the unchangeable future for me, I am trying to stay positive. Friday night, after I had received the news I went to Skype my mother and tell her. I was wearing mascara and decided that I couldn't cry and risk looking like a raccoon. But I was crying on the inside. I was crying because I have no idea what I am going to do with my life. Now granted this day was coming anyway, it was inevitable, but the plan was to start this process in January, when I would have time to think, plot out, plan, decide and prepare myself (body, mind & soul) to go home and start the next chapter of my life. Now, that is not happening. I am UNprepared, UNdecided, UNplanned,UNplot'd and UNthink'd. I am (dare I say it?) scared. I am at a loss.

I never thought I would be one of those people who really did not know what she was going to do with her life, but I have certainly become one. I don't know what I'm going to do but more importantly, I don't really know what I want to do... It is a sticky place to be in. I wish I could just float around and do everything I want, everything I need without the worries of money, time, stress, work, freedom, visas, the f***ing future. It all sort of piles up on me. Sometimes I feel like I got thrown into the "real" world way before I was ready, or wanted to at least. And now I've had over 5 years working, trying to make a life for myself, succeeding at some goals while others just disappear into oblivion. There is no choosing in this life, there is acceptance and that is something I really dislike.

But there is an upside to all this... I think.

I'll be going home, time to start new adventures, a new chapter to get ready for the next set of un's. I know I will succeed, I know I will find some reasons to be happy, I just wish I wasn't doing this with only 2 month's notice.

To all my friends here in CH, I will miss you, and you can be sure there will be at least 1 amazing going-away party come early December.

To all my friends in Seattle & nearby - I really do look forward to seeing you, and look forward to beginning the next chapter once again back with those I know.

To all my friends elsewhere in Europe & Abroad - Don't worry, I might be unemployed, unqualified, and unprepared but I WILL BE BACK, either to visit or to live, but I promise I will NEVER forget you.

And Lastly, to all my friends elsewhere in the States - I've got either one compound or two conjoined words for you: road-trip?

All my love. All my crazy. All for you. xox

A sunset reflecting off the clouds behind, illuminating the lake. There was a rainbow as well.

A song for the moment:

	Dixie Chicks - Bitter End .mp3
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

Living a Temporary Life

I was recently thinking about how my life is temporary. Not in the grand existential way that all our lives are temporary, that Earth is just our temporary home and someday we'll return to Heaven or where ever it is you believe we have come from and where we are going. No, actually I was thinking about the literal temporality of my life, my current life in Switzerland.

Most of life goes in cycles. Cycles, circles, rhythms, sequences, no matter how you look at it, life is a series of temporary situations, circumstances and opportunities. It all starts at conception (and I'm not one of those "a baby is a baby when" people), but it's the first cycle, the first series of events that makes a life. And it is temporary. For 9 months, the baby grows within its mother (and let's face it, sometimes that seems a rather parasitic thing to do) but it is nourished and protected by its mother. And at the same time, the baby's mother is going through another cycle in life, the preparation of birth and life with a baby. But that's another time line. I'm strictly speaking for the baby at this point. Cycle number 1 is within the womb. Then, after birth, cycle 2 begins. In my opinion, this cycle can be changed, it isn't "set in stone," its length can be adjusted or customized to the person or situations. But the fact of the matter is, eventually the baby becomes a toddler, as a toddler it begins to walk, talk, grow teeth and knee caps (one of the most bizarre facts I think I know, that babies are born without knee caps and don't develop them until 2 years of age, and that at birth, babies skulls' aren't fused together.. but anyway). As a toddler, it begins to explore the world through the 5 senses (usually starting with taste, before feel, smell, touch and sound) then, they move past that step and eventually ask questions, go to school, etc. This is when I feel the 3rd temporary position begins: school. It isn't forever, although most children (especially pre-teens) would care to debate that fact. [And what you do when your 7 isn't going to matter much at 17 and what you do at 12 isn't going to matter all that much when your 22 (trust me, I'm beginning to realize this myself), I can only imagine how little it will matter when I'm 27 or 32...] Anyway, you go to school, one of the many other phases in life. It could be debated if all of school counts as a temporary life together or in each section. Kindergarten itself could be considered a whole temporary life. As could elementary school together. Then there is middle school or junior high which is most definitely (and thankfully) only temporary. After that it gets even worse: the phase of HIGH SCHOOL (I still shudder at the thought) which is terribly long, disturbing and rarely 100% forgiven or forgotten. However again, it is (and again thankfully) only temporary. College is another phase. During college you "find yourself," they say. You "experiment" and "test" and "live in the moment" to find out what you want to do, be and see in your lifetime. After college you begin what I have always viewed as the longest, most undefined and hardest to describe phase: Adulthood. Oh do I hate considering myself an adult. I mean I am certainly not a kid but to be called "Madam" by young kids skipping school is not a highlight to my day. Adulthood is one of those weird cycles in life that can go by quickly or take forever. It seems like sometimes it throws curveballs you never expected, work, home/apartment, boy/girl-friends, spouses, kids, lifestyle choices. Adulthood is not so temporary, but everything we do during adulthood is: jobs change, locations change, life changes.

I myself have entered a very odd "temporary" situation. I am living a life for a year (ok, 18 months) somewhere far away from things I know and all the while I know it will end. It makes for some interesting choices. I know that I will be leaving, so parts of me don't want to fully invest in this life here in CH. But at the same time, if I don't "invest," then I'm not living this life, and this part of my life to the fullest. It's rather weird to think about.

It reminds me of my ex, Matt. We broke up in February of his senior year (I had already graduated but was staying in the area, he would be going off to WSU, and he still hates me/won't forgive me for it, which I see as his loss, but that's besides the point). We broke up in February (and not solely for this reason, but at least partly) because our relationship was temporary. It was going to end in August, so part of me decided to speed up the process. (Granted, we had other issues as well, so this wasn't "it" but, it certainly helped in the decision making process). Now it seems I am going through some of this again, but this time from the other side. I'm the one who will be leaving. Now I don't want you to get all excited and think I've fallen in love and all that, but let's just use the relationship as an analogy for now. The fact of the matter is I will be leaving, in 9 more months (so if you plan to get pregnant, do it now so I'll be home in time for the birth). But the idea of committing to anything is hard. I just can't really grasp the idea that the connections I'm making are forever and that while my time here is temporary, what I'll learn is permanent. It's a really odd feeling.

How do you accept a life abroad when you know it will just end. I wrote to my dear friend Kasumi the other day. She and I met and were the best of friends from grade 6-10 while her father worked for a company in Seattle on a 5 year contract. In 10th grade she went back to Japan. I was heartbroken. Anyway, so I wrote to her, telling her how much I miss her, and how I'm struggling to adjust to a temporary lifestyle and she replied to me how she understood. The whole time she lived in Seattle she knew that in 5 years her time would be up. At first she thought 5 years was a long time, but as the years quickly passed she realized that it would be over before she was ready, before she wanted it to. I feel like the cycles have a tendency to do that. As soon as we grasp how to deal with a certain stage in life, it gets ripped away from us. Life is perpetually changing. Perpetually and continuously. Even when we think it has stopped, that things are going well, we're where we want to be, we have our infamous "5-year plan," something goes awry. Something out of our control, or perhaps in it comes about and stirs us from the peaceful slumber of consistency, something rips it from our hands, sometimes before we even know we have it. That is the worst.

It was only after I quit my job in Seattle, after I moved out, after I accepted the position in Switzerland that I realized how good I had it before. How I could rely on a paycheck, on stable roommates, on a cat who unconditionally loves me, on being an hour and a half from my parents so whenever I needed a hug, or some help with groceries, they were there. I hate the cliché, but it is so true "You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone." But at the same time, sometimes you KNOW and you really can't do anything about it. Sometimes you have a great opportunity (let's say for example, living in Switzerland) and everything is going well. Sure, you miss your family, but you're meeting people, you're learning a new language and culture, you're having a good time, but deep down inside, you know it will end. And not only will it end, like everything ends at some point, you actually have the date of TERMINATION. I associate it with knowing the day you will die. In a sense, a part of me, my Swiss-ness will be over. I won't forget it, I won't be the same Mattie. It isn't like I will have taken 18 months off and return as the person I was prior to living here, but I won't be the me I am right now. I won't be Swiss Miss Matticus. I'll be Matticus, who used to live in Switzerland, along with Seattle, and Bellevue, and Gig Harbor, and Issaquah and Stanwood. Now, granted, Switzerland has a little more appeal than say, Stanwood, but in the end its just a place I will have lived. And I will have to go "home." Home to what, I'm not quite sure yet, but home none-the-less. I cannot stay here forever (unless of course I somehow meet my future husband in the next 9 months), but even then that doesn't necessarily change everything, just that there is potential for extension.

So all in all, its a conversation of how you live a temporary life. And I suppose you live it the same you live the rest of your life. You live it. I may not know everything, but I do know that there is no purpose in putting my life on hold while I wait for my time to end. I might have made that mistake in the past, but this time, it just isn't happening. So instead of living a temporary life, I'm going to try my best to focus on just living a life. And I hope you will join me.

xoxoxox

-Mattie

Gruyères, Switzerland

Saying goodbye to Scot with the boys @ Geneva Airport

Back in June, sailing on Lake Geneva

Eating some AMAZING food in Gruyères with Scot

Mattie with her Daddy, in Bordeaux, France - August 2010

Eight Years

As a journalist, I feel as though I have failed my readers a bit. You've been waiting for a month for an update, and I am so sorry that it has taken me this long to do so. Life here just doesn't slow down. But I suppose that is true of all life, life doesn't slow down. I suppose it is completely appropriate that it is now that I finally have a chance to write about what has happened recently, as much as it is appropriate to write about what has happened over the last 8 years.

Let me go back, as many of you know, I am a "wonderer." I wonder a lot, I wonder "what if's" and "since when's" and "how come's." I wonder "why" and "how" and "when." I have this feeling I was always this way. Always a planner and worrier. And I was often very good at pretending everything was alright. (My family may confirm or deny that). Eight years ago this Friday, October 8th, 2010 I was sitting in my language arts classroom (that'd be English for those not familiar with the new-age term they've given it to make it sound more interesting, like renaming History to be "Social Studies"). There I was sitting in my classroom and the office TA came into the room with a pink slip. Those pink slips meant one thing and one thing only. Somebody was being told to go to the office immediately. That day, for some unknown reason, when that lonely TA walked into the room I knew, deep in some unknown part of me, that today's pink slip was for me. I remember it like yesterday. When my teacher confirmed my suspicions that said note was in fact for me, for the first time I prayed that I was in trouble. Because if I was in trouble then the real reason for the note wouldn't have been what it was. I gathered my belongings and started walking down the long corridor (which seemed to have expanded in size since lunch) and I fought to keep back the tears. As I rounded the corner of the hallway into the great open foyer which some fancy architect had designed to give our otherwise boring concrete school some character a wave of both happiness and total sadness came over me. Into view came my parents, both sitting on the oh, so uncomfortable wooden bench (one of those "let's make it feel like a cabin and just slice a giant tree in half, slather it in wood-polish and stick it on some iron legs" benches that seem to be taking over the public spaces near my Seattle home). Seeing them both there, while it was a blessing, was also a terrible thing because it meant a terrible thing.

I suppose I've gotten a WEE bit ahead of myself, seeing how some of you don't know the whole story, and while I would love to share it, it is rather long and I wouldn't want to bore you. So I'll try to make a reader's digest version of the previous 4 months. In May of 2002 I began to have headaches. Really bad headaches. Nearly everyday, lasting a few hours, sometimes crippling, always annoying and often draining of any ability to continue functioning for the day. After a month or so of that, I was taken to see a neurologist who had seen me twice before, at the age of 8, when for a year I suffered from a series of migraines which mysteriously stopped and at that point it was determined I needed no further assistance. Sometimes I wonder (here I go again) what might have happened if they hadn't stopped their investigation so quickly and abruptly. Perhaps this would not be the 8th anniversary but rather the 13th... Anyway, to get back on track. My mother (who will forever be known as a saint in my book) took me to see this physician who asked me a series of questions, looked into my eyes with a mag-light (or so it seemed) and made me walk on an imaginary tightrope back & forth across his office. After trying a series of medicines that were ineffective in treating or preventing the headaches and a summer, terribly affected by my illness (also full of moving houses, changing schools, trying to find new friends, etc) at the beginning of 8th grade, the headaches were still there, and in fact worsening by the day. So, my neurologist recommended an MRI be done. (Now, to quote him "I don't think we'll find anything, but we should do the scan, just to rule it out.") Those words still haunt me.

So within the first week of October an MRI was scheduled. I was to miss the morning at school, but would be there by lunchtime. My mother took me into Overlake hospital in Bellevue and into the Medical Imaging center attached to the main hospital building. We filled out the forms, myself laughing that I had to answer whether I was, or thought I might be pregnant. All was well and good. They took me back but let my mom come with. We removed all my earrings, and I put on the horrible green-blue colored hospital gown. I was lead into the MRI room where they put me on a giant table that moved up and down, locked my head into a plastic cage and laid blankets over me to keep me warm. (Now I had previously had one MRI, about 1.5 years prior, after I had broken my wrist, and that one was horrendous. I was forced to lay on my stomach, holding myself up by my arms in a most uncomfortable position and wait over an hour with loud and bizarre knocking sounds on either side of my body, this time was a dream compared to that). I vaguely remember the music choice, it must have been something "hip" and "poppy" - all that comes to mind is either it was one of those horrendous NOW music mixes (and at that time, had to have been NOW 4 or 5) or it was Britany Spears. Either way, it did not mix well with the familiar knocking sounds. However, I was glad to have something to distract me and I was glad I could lay on my back. (In fact in the many dozens of scans since then, I have perfected the ability to sleep through the ruckus). The test went by a little faster than I suppose I had expected, and as they pulled me out they said we'd get the results in a few days.

So my awesome mom took me to lunch, and then dropped me off at school so I could at least get in a few classes before the end of the day. Or so I thought. I hadn't been back more than an hour when I received notice that the radiologist wanted me to come back in and retake some of the tests. As far as I knew, I had moved, or it was blurry or something else went technically wrong, and they were just covering their bases. I had no idea that what they really wanted to do was get in closer and take a second look at a somewhat ominous looking spot somewhere deep in my head. My mom came and picked me up no sooner than I had gotten into class and drove me back to Overlake for take two of the day. They wanted us back in immediately, but didn't have a spot, so we waited, I tried to do some of the homework my teachers had given me and just hung around in the waiting room. I don't remember if it was that time or the next one (which was a few months later) I remembered to bring a CD from my own collection so that I wouldn't be forced to listen to N*Sync one more time. The second scan was done just before dinnertime. Had to have finished about 5:30 or 6pm. It was a rather uneventful day. By that time, the radiologist had left for the evening, but would be back first thing in the morning, on October 8th to review the findings.

On October the 8th 2002, I went to school like any other day, had a mild headache like any other day, and sat in class wondering, like any other day. Until that damn pink slip walked into my class and my heart sunk. So there you go. That was how we found out I had this "thing" in my head. The days, weeks and months following all sort of blur together. In fact much of the last eight years seems to blur together. But the fact of the matter is that 8 years ago this week my life changed. Really changed. I couldn't, I can't go back to what I was, or what I thought I was going to be. And while that fact was rather difficult to accept, it was also, at least I think, a godsend, because of the turn of events in my life, my choices, directions and goals changed. Granted at the time, I saw having to leave traditional high school as some sort of punishment from God. I thought that I would never achieve my goal of living abroad, or alone, or ever graduate, never go to college, never get a real job. Now I know, my life was just meant to go a little out of order. I left public high school at 16. I had graduated by 17 and started community college that spring. After a failed attempt at that (let's face it, school is tough when you have chronic headaches, whether that is high school, home school or college) I tried another front. I got a job, and I kept up with that job for over a year and a half, improving myself and my position. It took 5.5 years after the diagnosis to get to that point, but I had finally done it. And then I discovered a way to pursue my dream of living in Europe without doing it through university as originally expected. I found the life of an au pair. I gave my boss 6 months notice (and she needed it, because let's face it, replacing the "Customer Service Goddess" would not be an easy thing to do), and a year ago, right about the time of the 7th anniversary, I was offered a job in Switzerland. I was always impartial to fall. Sure I liked the crisp air and the late summer sunshine, but I could do without the wetness of the pacific northwest. Sure I loved the tastes of autumn, but wasn't always excited about the coming winter. Now, early Autumn means another thing to me.

This reminds me of when I was Provost for my church Acolytes group. As an officer of the group, our jobs were to rotate the duty of preparing a bible study for our bimonthly meetings. It always seemed like our default was "New Beginnings," mostly, because if you think about it, that's what life is: a series of new beginnings. The new year, an official new beginning. Spring: the new beginnings of life, the cycle of plants, Easter bringing Jesus's rebirth through resurrection. Summer was the beginning of a time without school, to start thinking about what we might do the following school year and lastly, Fall/Autumn: of course this means newness. School starting, changes to attitude, clothing, goals, aspirations, etc. And Winter again, snow covering the earth in a sheet of white, giving newness a visible meaning. A blank slate. New opportunities, chances and visions.

Now, autumn is my new year. Like a birthday, it marks another year of my life in the status quo. My life changes from season to season, year to year, but the things that inspire that change doesn't actually change much. Either I am physically one year older, each January, or I am dealing with another year of my second life, every October.

Sometimes I feel like because of October 8th, 2002 my life changed and became a new one. I missed out on a lot of my adolescence, but I also gained an extra 5-6 years of adulthood it seems. Sometimes I wonder which is worse, missing out on "being a kid" or getting more time to "be grownup" and what does being a grown-up really mean?

As I said, I am a wonderer. I wonder about the what if's, the how come's and the since when's of my life. Most of the time I don't have an answer. But on rare occasions, my answer is: October 8th, because I was chosen to live my life in a way unplanned, unpredicted and unchangeable. I am who I am and that's all I can be. Or is it...

More posts to be coming soon. Love to all.

PS: I couldn't find any of my brain scan photos that were formatted for sharing, but here are a couple from May 2005 when I was in the hospital to check my ICP (inter-cranial pressure). Something tumor related.

I went to Seattle Children's Hospital and had a tube stuck into my brain. Pretty cool when you think about it now... In fact, somewhere I think I still have the tube...

And for more current news:

OKTOBERFEST 2010!!! September 24-25 some friends and myself went to Munich for Oktoberfest. What an AMAZING weekend! We had so much fun, I sort of wish I'd be here for next year's festivities! I will certainly need to return to Munich before my departure from Europe though because I know there is more to see than just beer tents!!!

And a collage of many fun adventures from September: Scot's visit/friend's going away party @ our favorite bar, Oktoberfest, Bern & bears, etc. and many fun nights of intoxication (both with the help of alcohol AND just being drunk on life!) :-D

Oh and last but not least, a link to my photo album for September: "Brothers, Boys, Beer, Bears, Bern & Bretzles"