Je peux le faire

Je peux le faire. (A little pronunciation guide: zhuh [zh is pronounced as the 'ge' in Peugeot] puh luh fair)

This is my new motto, mantra and way of thinking. A week ago yesterday I took an exam to be placed in a high-level French course with the goal of total preparation for the DELF B2 exam and diploma. (The DELF stands for Diplôme de l'Etudes en Langue Français - essentially a diploma of French proficiency and will look really good on my CV - that is if I pass the exam). But I'm getting ahead of myself. So, a week ago yesterday I took this test, a placement test which I ended up failing miserably, beyond a doubt. A score of 35/90 just doesn't cut it. I was depressed to say the least, but I went out to my usual bar afterwards to try and forget it, and a good friend came and met up with me, we talked, caught up on life, summer, etc. and I went home, trying not to think about it.

Then, a week ago today I received a call from the secretary of the school, asking about my enrollment. After I told her that the B2 course was really the only time I could manage a class she said she'd be speaking with the professor and call me back. About 20 minutes later I received a call from the secretary again and she let me know that the teacher, despite my horrible score would let me try out the class (free of charge) on the first night.

So Monday night I went. And to my great surprise and joy, halfway through the class the teacher said: "stay here, you can do it. With a lot of work and effort, you'll be fine to test in June." It was the greatest sigh of relief. And honor and love and excitement.

So that's where my new mantra comes in. Je peux le faire. It means "I can do it" and it's really true. Without this reinforcement of self I know things are harder. And the fact its in French makes me sound so much cooler.

After I started using this phrase I noticed others beginning to use/adapt it as well. It really works. There is something incredible about positive mental vibes. As humans we NEED to stay positive. I know I do. My life can be STRESSFUL, it can be cRaZy, it can be joyous and it can be mundane. But it's all LIFE. And I can do it.

My boys have been (as I have decided to dub them) circus monkeys as of late. (Or to be French about it: les singes du cirque). As I just exasperated and said to my mother (who I owe SO much to, for not loosing her mind dealing with four children, especially 3 boys and let's face it, not the easiest girl) they've been driving me NUTS. But my mantra rings through. Je peux le faire. I can do it. I can do this. Whatever it is, whatever needs to happen, I can do it. Life is too short to give in. But sometimes, oh my gawd it's tough. Several of my au pair friends, and friends who are parents in their own right know the feeling. As a dear au pair friend here said just this evening, "no wonder I eat so much chocolate here, sometimes I just have this feeling that after that I need chocolate." My response was "usually chocolate AND a beer."

It's important to take a break. To get away. I have needed that all week and tomorrow night will finally get it. I now understand more than ever why my parents went out to dinner on occasion, why they hired babysitters, why sometimes the lock on their door was switched. It's important to get away.

I know this posting is a little rambling, but you should know by now that it seems that's how I work. Just remember, and feel free to use it yourself. "Je peux le faire." I CAN DO IT. (And when saying to others it becomes "tu peux le faire" : YOU CAN DO IT). I think someday I'll try to write a bilingual children's book, or perhaps an adult's picture book and include that phrase. The Little Engine That Could always stuck with me, but well I'm NOT a little train engine. I'm a person and I need a personal mantra. I CAN do it, not "I Think I Can."

And I think we can all agree on that.

I'm going to bed now, despite the early hour (before 10pm can you believe it!) But I appreciate your notes, input and ideas. And let me know how you've used the mantra in your life.

Saying goodbye to Amsterdam

This was the last entry I made while in Amsterdam. 4/4 Enjoy... Oh! And photos from my trip can now be found here

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21 August 2010 6:05pm

I just finished a book that made me feel like perhaps, someday I could be a writer. The author, Anne Lamott was and is much of what I want to be as an author. Humorous and poignant. Honest and cheeky. Straightforward but not harsh or brutal. Her subject matter, in this case her own story of finding faith was complete and beautifully written. New, yet refreshing. Composed, yet sporadic. In short, something I can aspire to. I am at this point where I am not sure my writing is good enough, let alone my story to be on the same level as she is. Or Anne Frank for that matter. I'm certainly no Dan Patterson or Emily Dickenson. I'm not even sure I could write simple articles for the dying age of print. I can tell stories, but often they are meandering to say the least. I have hopes of making a name for myself somehow, someday but what that will be seems to be far out of my hands. Maybe someday I'll find an answer, but not knowing draws me closer until I'll either succeed or fail.

I just spent a moment re-reading excepts of things people wrote me in this journal (the one that was present at my going away party). I am so incredibly blessed by those around me, who know me and know where I'm coming from. And are excited to hear where I'm going (those of you reading this are included in that). Faith is a tricky thing. It is very personal to me. I often reflect on other peoples' faith-ness and either I get a pinch of jealousy or I feel sorry that they haven't realized where real faith comes from. It certainly doesn't come wrapped on a shelf. It rarely comes in book format. It cannot be successfully duplicated, copied or mimicked (although many try) and it has to come to you (and this might just be personal speculation) when you least expect it. Age doesn't always make it easier either. I often think that children have more of a spiritual self and acknowledgment of faith than adolescents and adults. They trust without knowing the devil or adulthood looming over their shoulder. I am somewhere in between it seems. Not all crushed down by adulthood, but no longer possessing the innocence of childhood. This is something a therapist later in my life will have a field-day with, because of the lack for so many years to act my age. (Added side note, just last weekend someone thought I was at least 26... which goes to show you...) My ability to be so mature and so young at the same time. Not innocent or ignorant, just young. This is being simultaneous to times when I sit, laugh, sip (or slurp) good wine and share my perspective of politics, society, history and relationships with much older, more mature and wiser people.

It is very hard for me to embrace, this duality of life I have. I don't remember my adolescence. Ok, that's a lie. I remember the ages of 13-18 as one giant blur, followed by 2.5 years of slightly more memorable moments. But remember when and where specific events happened is much more difficult for me. Remembering the order of events is trying and exhausting. Sometimes I do remember approximately how old I was when something happened and then, sometimes a wave of shame or guilt flies over me: "I was only 14?!?" I seem to say to myself. Other times it is more of "Oh my... well I was only 14" and then console myself over the matter based on my status as a "child." It is a constant inner battle over which situation is better, acting my age or acting the age I felt, or simply acting. At some point, and I believe this really only just happened (maybe 9 or so months ago) I grew up. I suddenly was the age I often thought I should be, or perhaps I was happy to be the age I am. Probably a little of both. I finally felt accepted in all of my social interations, be it with the toddlers I worked with, my friends, roommates, brother and their colleges/friends to my parents and their friends.

I have come to realize though, that I am at home being a floater. I enjoy being able to move around from group to group, filling my spiritual needs from one to the other. I never liked to fit in like everyone else, but I do like to feel as though if I chose to stay, indefinitely in one group, I could and would be welcomed for whom I am. My train is leaving soon and I must go back to my hostel and gather my belongings. So at this moment, this rambling is over. But the good news is, Amsterdam ROCKED and I think I learned a little more about myself.

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These last 4 entries are from my journal while in Amsterdam. From this point on, I hope to write more current and perhaps more reflective ideas and thoughts. To all my readers, THANK YOU. You are why I feel I can share things, that I can be heard, and maybe, perhaps, someday I can share with the rest of the world.

Keep the faith, wherever it is, wherever it came from and whatever it makes you feel.

My love,

Mattie