Take right now for example, as I write this blog that, let's face it, is just one of my usual rants, and even I don't know where, if anywhere, it is going. But as I type these words, listening to a "Genius" mix on iTunes created on the song Touched, by VAST, which is inspring the likes of NIN, A Perfect Circle and Garbage to play out of my little computer speakers I should be doing my French homework. In fact not only should I be doing it, but I also could be doing so, since I have already finished my domestic duties of the day. But I don't WANT to. Simple as that. I set a countdown timer on my computer this morning. One month, 1 day until I leave Switzerland. One month, 1 day and a 12 hour plane journey until I am back on US soil, back "home." And I want to be home. But I don't want to leave. How can I have both? Is it possible? Should I simply be grateful for the time I've already had here in Switzerland and move on. Could it be that simple? Would it change me more to stay here, would I become someone else again? For that matter, will I become someone else again once I go home? And do I want to become someone else.
I have spent a lot of time reflecting recently on my time here, as I suppose anyone in my position would or should be doing. I replay the events of the past year in my head. People I've met, people I've lost, people I've missed, people I will never see again, and people I haven't met yet. In the past year 4 babies have been born into the circle of my life (likely more, but at the moment, there are 4 in my mind, not that they are any more special than the others!). And each one of them has a special place in my heart, mostly because their parents do, but for me, it's hard to acknowledge their existence, without meeting them. Without being in their time zone, on the same continent. Dear little Emilia, little Zachary, little Sophie and of course, my darling nephew little Jack. It just doesn't seem fair that they have all started their lives, growing up without me. Not that I should be jealous, or in anyway am I more special than anyone else in their lives. But being SO far away has made me feel even more detached from them. From their loving parents, my friends. Each one of these babies is special in his/her own way. I know this, but yet I have never met them. Emilia's mother announced her pregnancy just a few weeks before my departure. I've known little Zachary's mother since I was a kid myself, and was present at his parents' wedding. Little Sophie's parents came into my family's life a few years ago, and her mother has become somewhat like a sister to my mother and I (somehow it works that she is a sister to us both) and her father is an amazing chef who helped send me off to Switzerland with some of the greatest food ever. I've known of Sophie's impending arrival since my departure as well. And then there is Jack. Jack joined the world last week, although he was kept a secret for a while. My darling nephew has some of the greatest parents in the world (and no, I'm not biased). They love each other, they love him, and will always stand by him. I know this because they have always stood by me, and I'm just the sister/-in law.
But it isn't just births I've missed. I missed saying goodbye. My surrogate grandpa, my neighbor, Ken went home to Heaven while I was away. I didn't get to say goodbye, although I know he knew, and knows I was always thinking of him. Part of me felt like I should have been there. And that only if I could it wouldn't have been the same way. If only I would have stayed home, didn't come to Europe. But then I remember how proud he was of me when I left. How proud of me he was for trying my life, going somewhere, doing something. Despite his passing, I know he is still thinking of me, and cheering me on. Even when I'm overwhelmed and unsure. He lived in Germany with his wife for several years, and I know he thought highly of the experience. I am looking forward to giving his loving wife, Penny, my surrogate grandma, a long overdue hug.
I am so blessed. I realize as writing this, how many families I have. I have my genetic family, my 3 insane brothers (and a not so insane sister-in-law) and loving parents, and a grandpa who is so cool he has facebook and a Mac, his wife, who always has a house smelling of freshly baked goods and cousins, aunts and uncles near and far who think of me, pray for me and I return the favor. Then I have a "Beach Family". I call them that because we all live near the beach. There are all the friends, who really are more like aunts/uncles. Dear friends, siblings, shoulders to cry on, mouths to feed, smiles to be shared. Then there is my "Extended Family". These are the people who have been in my life since... before I existed or shortly after. Family friends, church friends, "aunts" and "uncles" who have always sent me a smile or a birthday card or just a big hug when they're in town. Now I have a "Swiss Family." And I'm not just talking about my employers, but all the amazing people I've met here, I've played with, cried with, drank with, traveled with, screamed with and hugged. An amazing group of (mostly) girls, from all over this incredible planet, with hearts bigger than all the oceans combined. And smiles wider than all the mountain ranges combined. And a common thread that runs through all of us. Many I fear I will never see again. Many I long to see again. Many have left already and many more I will be leaving. It will be me to say goodbye first. It will be my tears to flow down, saying goodbye. I have found not only so many great people here, but I have found a part of myself that I didn't know existed. A part of myself that smiles at the littlest things, laughs louder than necessary, isn't shy at a bar or nightclub, isn't afraid to look ridiculous if it will help someone out, and someone who can be there for those who are there for me. I hope I can keep that part up, although I know it isn't a one-person job. It takes someone to humiliate you to be humble. It takes someone to let you know your crazy to fully embrace it. It takes a smile to initiate a second one. I know I am not going back to nothing. Quite the contrary, I'm going back to a lot. But it's a lot I've been away from for a rather long time. It's a new same thing. It's a different familiarity. It won't be the same, but neither am I.
I can't seem to decide if I am sad or happy with these shoulds, woulds, coulds and wants. I'm not sure if I'm excited or depressed. Ready or scared. Prepared or overwhelmed. I think it's all of the above. New adventures can only happen when the previous one ends. I just don't know what the next adventure is. And I suppose that's OK, as long as I don't go back thinking I should, could, would or wanted to do anything differently.
As usual, this blog went in many directions, but mostly it's there. The shoulds, woulds, coulds and wants sometimes go together, sometimes not. But they're always there.
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