Swiss Miss Matticus: Living a Temporary Life

I was recently thinking about how my life is temporary. Not in the grand existential way that all our lives are temporary, that Earth is just our temporary home and someday we'll return to Heaven or where ever it is you believe we have come from and where we are going. No, actually I was thinking about the literal temporality of my life, my current life in Switzerland.

Most of life goes in cycles. Cycles, circles, rhythms, sequences, no matter how you look at it, life is a series of temporary situations, circumstances and opportunities. It all starts at conception (and I'm not one of those "a baby is a baby when" people), but it's the first cycle, the first series of events that makes a life. And it is temporary. For 9 months, the baby grows within its mother (and let's face it, sometimes that seems a rather parasitic thing to do) but it is nourished and protected by its mother. And at the same time, the baby's mother is going through another cycle in life, the preparation of birth and life with a baby. But that's another time line. I'm strictly speaking for the baby at this point. Cycle number 1 is within the womb. Then, after birth, cycle 2 begins. In my opinion, this cycle can be changed, it isn't "set in stone," its length can be adjusted or customized to the person or situations. But the fact of the matter is, eventually the baby becomes a toddler, as a toddler it begins to walk, talk, grow teeth and knee caps (one of the most bizarre facts I think I know, that babies are born without knee caps and don't develop them until 2 years of age, and that at birth, babies skulls' aren't fused together.. but anyway). As a toddler, it begins to explore the world through the 5 senses (usually starting with taste, before feel, smell, touch and sound) then, they move past that step and eventually ask questions, go to school, etc. This is when I feel the 3rd temporary position begins: school. It isn't forever, although most children (especially pre-teens) would care to debate that fact. [And what you do when your 7 isn't going to matter much at 17 and what you do at 12 isn't going to matter all that much when your 22 (trust me, I'm beginning to realize this myself), I can only imagine how little it will matter when I'm 27 or 32...] Anyway, you go to school, one of the many other phases in life. It could be debated if all of school counts as a temporary life together or in each section. Kindergarten itself could be considered a whole temporary life. As could elementary school together. Then there is middle school or junior high which is most definitely (and thankfully) only temporary. After that it gets even worse: the phase of HIGH SCHOOL (I still shudder at the thought) which is terribly long, disturbing and rarely 100% forgiven or forgotten. However again, it is (and again thankfully) only temporary. College is another phase. During college you "find yourself," they say. You "experiment" and "test" and "live in the moment" to find out what you want to do, be and see in your lifetime. After college you begin what I have always viewed as the longest, most undefined and hardest to describe phase: Adulthood. Oh do I hate considering myself an adult. I mean I am certainly not a kid but to be called "Madam" by young kids skipping school is not a highlight to my day. Adulthood is one of those weird cycles in life that can go by quickly or take forever. It seems like sometimes it throws curveballs you never expected, work, home/apartment, boy/girl-friends, spouses, kids, lifestyle choices. Adulthood is not so temporary, but everything we do during adulthood is: jobs change, locations change, life changes.

I myself have entered a very odd "temporary" situation. I am living a life for a year (ok, 18 months) somewhere far away from things I know and all the while I know it will end. It makes for some interesting choices. I know that I will be leaving, so parts of me don't want to fully invest in this life here in CH. But at the same time, if I don't "invest," then I'm not living this life, and this part of my life to the fullest. It's rather weird to think about.

It reminds me of my ex, Matt. We broke up in February of his senior year (I had already graduated but was staying in the area, he would be going off to WSU, and he still hates me/won't forgive me for it, which I see as his loss, but that's besides the point). We broke up in February (and not solely for this reason, but at least partly) because our relationship was temporary. It was going to end in August, so part of me decided to speed up the process. (Granted, we had other issues as well, so this wasn't "it" but, it certainly helped in the decision making process). Now it seems I am going through some of this again, but this time from the other side. I'm the one who will be leaving. Now I don't want you to get all excited and think I've fallen in love and all that, but let's just use the relationship as an analogy for now. The fact of the matter is I will be leaving, in 9 more months (so if you plan to get pregnant, do it now so I'll be home in time for the birth). But the idea of committing to anything is hard. I just can't really grasp the idea that the connections I'm making are forever and that while my time here is temporary, what I'll learn is permanent. It's a really odd feeling.

How do you accept a life abroad when you know it will just end. I wrote to my dear friend Kasumi the other day. She and I met and were the best of friends from grade 6-10 while her father worked for a company in Seattle on a 5 year contract. In 10th grade she went back to Japan. I was heartbroken. Anyway, so I wrote to her, telling her how much I miss her, and how I'm struggling to adjust to a temporary lifestyle and she replied to me how she understood. The whole time she lived in Seattle she knew that in 5 years her time would be up. At first she thought 5 years was a long time, but as the years quickly passed she realized that it would be over before she was ready, before she wanted it to. I feel like the cycles have a tendency to do that. As soon as we grasp how to deal with a certain stage in life, it gets ripped away from us. Life is perpetually changing. Perpetually and continuously. Even when we think it has stopped, that things are going well, we're where we want to be, we have our infamous "5-year plan," something goes awry. Something out of our control, or perhaps in it comes about and stirs us from the peaceful slumber of consistency, something rips it from our hands, sometimes before we even know we have it. That is the worst.

It was only after I quit my job in Seattle, after I moved out, after I accepted the position in Switzerland that I realized how good I had it before. How I could rely on a paycheck, on stable roommates, on a cat who unconditionally loves me, on being an hour and a half from my parents so whenever I needed a hug, or some help with groceries, they were there. I hate the cliché, but it is so true "You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone." But at the same time, sometimes you KNOW and you really can't do anything about it. Sometimes you have a great opportunity (let's say for example, living in Switzerland) and everything is going well. Sure, you miss your family, but you're meeting people, you're learning a new language and culture, you're having a good time, but deep down inside, you know it will end. And not only will it end, like everything ends at some point, you actually have the date of TERMINATION. I associate it with knowing the day you will die. In a sense, a part of me, my Swiss-ness will be over. I won't forget it, I won't be the same Mattie. It isn't like I will have taken 18 months off and return as the person I was prior to living here, but I won't be the me I am right now. I won't be Swiss Miss Matticus. I'll be Matticus, who used to live in Switzerland, along with Seattle, and Bellevue, and Gig Harbor, and Issaquah and Stanwood. Now, granted, Switzerland has a little more appeal than say, Stanwood, but in the end its just a place I will have lived. And I will have to go "home." Home to what, I'm not quite sure yet, but home none-the-less. I cannot stay here forever (unless of course I somehow meet my future husband in the next 9 months), but even then that doesn't necessarily change everything, just that there is potential for extension.

So all in all, its a conversation of how you live a temporary life. And I suppose you live it the same you live the rest of your life. You live it. I may not know everything, but I do know that there is no purpose in putting my life on hold while I wait for my time to end. I might have made that mistake in the past, but this time, it just isn't happening. So instead of living a temporary life, I'm going to try my best to focus on just living a life. And I hope you will join me.

xoxoxox

-Mattie